


Who Was I?

by Katrea



Category: X -エックス- | X/1999
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Death, Sorry Subaru
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2018-12-06 15:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11603901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katrea/pseuds/Katrea
Summary: Dreams are just whispers and cries of your subconsciousness.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> subkam is very real and alive, and I won't stop posting so as long as my creativity drive never dies, so deal with it :)

Despite the displeasure of his intrusive thoughts, Subaru did his best not to give them the time of day. He would always be sure to brush them off like he was taking out the trash, or polishing up his apartment (which he hardly tended to). Any impurities would be immediately removed on sight, end of story.

However...Subaru himself felt that he was far from pure. So far enough that it would it strain him to hear those intrusive thoughts, which kept crawling towards the back of his mind. In those moments, he'd see to it especially that the mental door was locked. Secured tightly so he would not give into certain impulses. Impulses that would deliver tiny little knocks from punching the wall, to loud noises where murderous intent lurked out in the open.

Quiet, _silence_ ; noise was a particular trigger to Subaru. He did not handle his title of the Sakurazukamori very well, and could not cope with the urges to kill someone of innocent nature. Good or bad, murder was something his hands were not made for, so he knew.  
  
Much to the unhappiness of Kamui, Subaru made it a point to keep himself scarce. While the boy respected the man's decision, his lingering thoughts and dreams of “What ifs” and what could have been, plagued him so. However, there was no room for him-- not in Subaru's heart. Kamui knew that much.

There was no one left for his beloved to protect, not that Kamui would ever admit to anyone that he was in love. Those days of fighting together were long done and over with. Time seemingly stopped for the both of them, but the people went on regardless. The “heroes” no longer mattered, the world was saved.  
  
From the depths of his heart, Kamui truly believed that he had no place in Subaru's. A small crush that developed into something more; whatever that may have been, it seemed selfish to think anything more of Subaru. It wasn't right, it wasn't his place. Their paths diverged, and Kamui didn't want to allow himself any more pain. Subaru wouldn't reach out, not after he left the Dragons of Heaven. There was nothing left to do. Nothing to fix. Nothing to go back to.

Kamui accepted that Subaru wasn't going to return, but Kamui didn't know that Subaru's aversion towards him was to also deny his impulses; his potentially guilty pleasure. The pleasure of drawing blood, the pleasure of death, and the pleasure of feeding the Sakura.  
  
He tried not to think of Kamui. Any thoughts regarding the kid would have him suddenly feel ill. Not out of disgust, but simply because the idea of betraying Kamui _again,_ caused the Sakurazukamori a great deal of pain. The idea of hurting him was incomprehensible, though Subaru always knew the boy was very accepting, to the point that Kamui _might_ be willing to die by his hands.

It wasn't right, it wasn't fair.

Kamui deserved better. He deserved happiness, love, and the world around him. Things Subaru couldn't give him. They were worlds apart, and he knew that it wasn't right to leave him to begin with.

The more Subaru had thought about Kamui, the louder the knocks came to him. Their hands smashing against the door, they cried for freedom. They cried to wrap their hands around the boy's neck; thin as a kitten's. Oh, how beautiful he looked, Kamui. He was beautiful, truly-- Subaru never denied that fact. Would he be just as beautiful, if not more, in the case he may never wake up again? The sea of violet in his eyes becoming still, never to light up the world, and never to smile at Subaru. Something within him wanted to preserve that. Preserve the beauty in his smile, his happiness. Perhaps maybe, death would be the answer.

Subaru, probably, may have always felt something for Kamui.  
  
Kamui's smile, his expression of contentment, melancholy, adoring and even longing-- the concern, the pain, his touches, their shared touches; all of it was intimate, and it made Subaru's heart twitch. A prickly feeling of warm snow overcame him, and his heart throbbed as his body trembled each and every time they shared a moment. It'd be a lie to say that Subaru did not miss being close to someone, but the guilt had already consumed his everything.  
  
Subaru did not want to rob Kamui of what little he had left in his life. But, there were things that Kamui was more than willing to surrender to the assassin. He was in love, and emotions were a complacent factor in his judgment. If it were to make Subaru happy, then why wouldn't Kamui do it? Subaru didn't want to take advantage of that, he didn't want to take advantage of him. He wouldn't be able to return any of it, and he wouldn't want to break promises he'd never been able to keep in the first place. Kamui most definitely deserved better. Someone healthier, happier---  
  
and someone who didn't fantasize about murdering him on a regular basis.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Debating on whether or not to leave it like this or add one more chapter? It didn't exactly go the way I planned and I still didn't write out what I wanted to do RIP.

Though impatient and sometimes prone to becoming irritable, his eyes full of fire and words gone foul; Kamui had lived on as an untamed tiger, ready to dig his nails into the next person that wronged him. Over the years of growing up, witnessing death and experiencing loss, those claws eventually pulled back, and Kamui himself withdrew from the world. His personality was crowded with passion and longing, with a desire that perhaps maybe someday, he would feel whole again in some way.  Those dreams that easily weaved their way through his fingers, but unable to grasp them; Kamui felt that what he wanted might have just been out of reach, and unobtainable.  
  
Deep in his impulses that were twisted with inflexibility and the increasing desire to protect the people and the world they lived in, contributed to these little snippets of his personality that painted himself as a rude and arrogant teenager. Yet there was something positive to be said about Kamui, plenty of things, really. Beneath the line of fire that projected across the sea and the stars, laid unopened wounds and scars that were still seeping in blood. Kamui could be in fact, quite delicate in nature, and for all that he was, it made him beautiful. At least, in Subaru’s eyes it did.  
  
He didn’t always mean to hide that part of himself from others, the way he truly felt about himself and those he interacted with. But trauma will do that to you. Trauma will gouge it’s way through your skin, dragging it’s teeth down as you howl and writhe. It will rip you apart and feed off whatever pain you have to spare. It thrives on more than just exposing the bare skin, but what makes you, you. When there’s nothing left to protect yourself with, what else is there to show? It is the heart that beats, that tries to live on.  
  
It was akin to looking at a busted mirror, and each fragment tore at the heart. It kissed his skin and pricked his lips. When the pieces came apart, he noticed violet and love, something that desired more. But Subaru knew that Kamui could do without him.  
  
Or rather, should.

 

“Kamui…” _Please._  
  
“You don’t have to accept them. I just wanted to let you know at the very least, and…”  
Kamui’s words traced their way down Subaru’s spine, wrapping themselves around his hands. He wouldn’t let him go, and that’s why the boy was on the verge of begging.  
  
“Please don’t go.”

Subaru winced.  
  
“You know, I’m not the same--”  
  
“I don’t care.”  
  
“I’m not the kind of person you should be around.”  
  
“I don’t care.”  
  
“But the past--”  
  
_“Please.”_  
  
_Kamui, please._  
  
“I could kill you.”  
  
“Then do it, I don’t care.”  
  
That wasn’t what Kamui had intended to say, which the both of them sighed deeply over. The frustration was burning in the air, mostly from Kamui’s direction. He frowned and his eyes wandered the bare white walls of Subaru’s apartment. This might be the last time they’d ever see each other like this, and the last time Kamui would try to reason his way into the man’s heart. Everything had felt so empty, and the wails of Kamui’s thoughts panged across the apartment, bouncing towards the light of the windows.  
  
“Look, I’m not asking for...I know...you can’t. And that you won’t. I know. It’s hard to accept, but I...I don’t like this? Is that even okay to say at this point? Not many people are a fan of what you’ve become, the Sakurazukamori or whatever, but it doesn’t bother me much. Because, the Subaru that I’ve always known is still there, isn’t he? As much as you try to stay away to do whatever it is you want, you’re only doing it to protect us. Or maybe to protect yourself. Am I wrong, or really just intruding?” He knows he’s not wrong.

Subaru sympathetically, almost reflexively soothed Kamui; It was always those tender looks that gripped the latter’s heart. Subaru would unintentionally hold his feelings hostage, as Kamui felt that he couldn’t love another like this.  
  
“No, of course you’re not intruding, Kamui.” This made the boy want to smile, more than he should, for he missed that man saying his name so softly.  
  
“But, I cannot...be the same person for you. Not now, and maybe not ever.” _Not when I think about touching you and then immediately ending it all._ “It’s not fair to you, and I’d much rather see you happy with someone...more stable.”  
  
Kamui continued to frown, there were no smiles to be had.  
  
“But what if my stability is with you? Even if you don’t...or won’t allow yourself to feel the same, I’ve resigned myself to that. It’s not really about _being_ with you, but to be with you, like before. People come and go, and people change, but Subaru...I…”  
  
Kamui’s eyes were deep in violet, glassy and soaked with love, longing and pain. Subaru knew it was difficult to even be having this conversation. With all that occured since their very first meeting, he wasn’t sure if he could handle Kamui verbally expressing his love.  
  
_I love you_ , would have been too much to bear. Too much responsibility, and too many questions that would never get any answers. The little bit of sanity that Subaru had left would be put towards trying to make Kamui understand. He wanted him to understand that you can’t always find happiness and the will to live in others, that depending on someone so much could ruin you, that the people you love might not be the right ones to share those feelings with. He didn’t want Kamui to turn into him, and he didn’t want to rob anything more from the poor kid.  
  
“I don’t want to take advantage of you, Kamui. You’ve given so much of yourself that there might not be anything else to give. I want you to be happy, and I don’t want to take anything more from you. There are certain things that you can’t get back, we both know that very well, don’t we? I miss you, I would be lying if I said I didn’t.”  
  
_So then, why!?_ He wanted to yell, but Kamui already knew the answer.  
  
Subaru wouldn’t be coming back home, and they wouldn’t be speaking to each other. It’s not very often you find someone alive that’s practically everything you think you need. Kamui was sure that he had found love and security, but that may have been just that. Nothing that deep and complex, but potentially short and superficial. Was Subaru someone to cling onto? Was he a small glimpse of hope for the future? Because Kamui found nothing in himself, only an endless hole of emptiness and confusion.  
  
It might have been too late to question the validity of his own feelings. There was too much going on at once; Subaru had told him no. Subaru had _rejected_ him, and he was going to leave. He was probably never going to come back because that’s what Subaru does. He leaves and drowns in his own feelings, comforting others but not himself. It brought Kamui more pain than anything, but he knew he didn’t have much of a place in the man’s heart. There was much more going on at hand, and the more time went on, the further they both felt apart.  
  
In the same space, Subaru was not comfortable telling Kamui the whole truth; that he did long for him, especially his own hands wrapped around the boy’s neck, admiring the life being slowly pulled from his eyes. He longed to comfort him, to apologize over and over and over and over, but if they were going to be close, it would mean something more permanent. More eternal; a solution that many would not be content with. And that was another problem, the thought of it frightened Subaru, for if he spoke the very truth--  
  
He knew that Kamui would say yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little sick and I'll go over any errors that I missed, sorry about that. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated! Thanks for reading~

**Author's Note:**

> Sakurazukamori!Subaru is my favorite Subaru, and also the most fun to write. Sorry I'm an angst lover; I swear I'm a fluffy person at heart. Maybe. If there are any errors I didn't see, I'll get back to them, I promise. Don't know how long this will be, probably a chapter more or three.


End file.
